Magnetic Human or Cyborg Overlord?

Photo Credit: Monochrome Bits and Bobs by Kate Russell

Car keys? No problem, they’re under my left ear.

Your spoon fell on the floor? Use this one from my bicep.

Are you trying to get my attention? Can’t you read the “go” and “away” magnetic words on my forehead?

Now that’s living the dream.

It would be the end of all tool belts. Hammer on the left cheek, nails on the right.

I’d like to someday live in a world where people are magnetic. Oh, wait, that’s cyborgs. And I fear their rule.

Real people aren’t magnetic. We don’t have enough mass or metal to truly attract the way that magnets do. If it were so, then the car keys could be held anywhere, like under my shirt collar, and I could have a lovely array of heirloom spoons clinging to the back of my vest.

The magnetic power would be enough to go through clothing and metal objects would still hold if I flipped upside down.

Only magnetic objects would stick to me–objects made of metal. I wouldn’t be able to carry a full picnic set of plates, napkins, and wine glasses along with my cutlery.

These facts are easily forgotten when confronted with a person purporting to be “magnetic”. Showmanship at its finest. The magnetism only works on bare, usually shaven, skin and they tend to lean back to balance something on their chest. The something can be anything with a smooth surface area–cell phones, DVD’s, fine artwork–without an ounce of metal in some cases.

The magnetism of these people is actually extra sticky, extra elastic skin. Their “magnetism” can be debunked with a sprinkling of baby powder. If you’ve ever been in Florida in July and sat on a plastic bench in shorts, you know what it is to long for a sprinkling of baby powder. That excruciating stickiness is due to your sebaceous glands, tiny oil factories in your skin that keep you from drying up and molting like a lizard. “Magnetic” people have an extra helping of sebaceous glands, and an extra helping of waxy, oily sebum. Humans produce sebum everywhere except for the palms of their hands and fingers and the soles of their feet (otherwise, it would always feel like we’d just eaten cotton candy, or put up a “lotta sap” Christmas tree).

 

Screenshot 2018-03-26 at 21.24.24
“Looks great! Little full, lotta sap.”

 

Now you are armed with the wisdom to decipher human from cyborg: if the can of tuna fish sticks to their palm when their palm is facing the floor… run!

 

Will you embrace our cyborg overlords when the tuna can doesn’t fall? Tell me in the comments.

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